Audiodrama Hub Podfest Live Show: Morning in the Eskmouth Sawbones Surgery
Content warnings:
Medical procedures (face, eye).
Illness/injury
Rot/decay
Classism
Violence
Mentions/Discussions of: Disease.
Transcript:
DAISY: Hey! One quick announcement- we now have a redbubble. Links in the shownotes. That’s all for now. Lou, take it away!
LOU: Hello eel enthusiasts! So, in November 2023 myself and some of the Eeler’s Choice Cast went to the Audiodrama Hub Podfest in High Wycombe, which was very fun and I highly recommend it if you can get to one. While we were there, we did a little short live showcase I wrote specially for the event. This is a side story called Morning in the Eskmouth Sawbones Surgery. I have done my best with the audio from the mic which the Podfest team kindly allowed our sound tech Holly to capture during the show, but it was recorded live in a large echoey hall so my apologies if some of it is a little difficult to understand. Transcripts are as ever provided, so please do check the show notes for those if you need them.
[FADE IN]
AUDIENCE MEMBER: I didn’t recognise you without the green… (Note from Lou: Reference to inflatable green outfit Karim Kronfli was wearing earlier, no I’m not joking, he was dressed as a giant pea monster or something…Photo courtesy of Sarah Golding by way of proof:)
[LAUGHTER]
KARIM: (laughs) I know… (long, amused sigh) For our next show…The ever brilliant Dr Lou Sutcliffe to the stage to introduce their own show. (Note from Lou: * blush *)…et voila…
LOU: (laughs, takes a breath) Eeler’s Choice is a maritime horror fantasy podcast set in Eskmouth, a small coastal town whose economy has lived and died on the hunting of the Great Eels for generations. Hunting the eels is dangerous work, so there’s always a Sawbones around to look after the Eelers.
Content warnings for this performance include: Illness and injury, Medical procedures to the face and eye and mentions/discussions of: disease, rot and decay, violence and classism
[INT. THE SAWBONES OFFICE]
[SAWBONES THEME PLAYS]
SPARTINA: (to the audience) It was a lovely late winter’s day in Eskmouth, which is frankly quite unusual for our little town. I do enjoy my work here, but it would be nice if it didn’t rain so much. This morning the sun was warming the office through the window and making the sea across the road from me sparkle. It was still early, so I had just settled down with a warm drink to begin reading a medical periodical when my first patient of the day arrived.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
ADERYN: (nose is misaligned, voice sounds weird) Um…Hello? Is this the Sawbones office?
SPARTINA: (calling) Ah.. t is indeed, do come in.…
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, CLICK. ADERYN APPROACHES THROUGH THE ROOM, FOOTSTEPS]
SPARTINA: (to the audience) The young person who entered my office was somewhat dishevelled. From their brown robes I could tell they were a student at the Eskmouth Scrimchantry, which is a very prestigious seat of learning. The robes in question were grubby with dirt and in disarray. On top of this, there was a fresh bruise on their jaw and a streak of blood under their nose.
SPARTINA: Name please… (glances at Aderyn’s robes) Novice, I presume?
ADERYN: Aderyn. Novice Aderyn Tanner.
SPARTINA: Thank you. And what has happened to you this morning, Novice Aderyn Tanner?
ADERYN: I…fell…..on the cobbles. It was slippery.
SPARTINA: (to Aderyn) I see.
SPARTINA (to the audience): I looked out of the window at the bright sunlight outside shining on the very dry street. Indeed, it had not rained for several days.
ADERYN: (digging themselves further in the hole) I was…. near the docks. It was slippery from the seawater.
SPARTINA: Those um… cobbles seem to have bruised your jaw and bloodied your nose.
ADERYN: They were very… hard cobbles.
SPARTINA: And how did you encounter these … cobbles?
ADERYN: Well, I was in the marketplace with some of the other novices shopping for the Candletide festival and they started making fun of me.
SPARTINA: Yes, I understand the cobbles in the marketplace can be particularly rowdy.
ADERYN: Making fun of my socks.
SPARTINA: How rude.
ADERYN: My mum knitted them for me.
SPARTINA: I see.
ADERYN: My socks are lovely and warm and maybe we can’t afford the best yarn in the most matchy colours for them, but mum does her best, you know. Not everyone who’s studying Scrimchanting is rich! They shouldn’t be so mean!
SPARTINA: The … cobbles.
ADERYN: Yes, the cobbles. So I wouldn’t let that stand and I lost my temper and kicked off. But there were more of them than us and also Novice Littorina … ran away so I had to fight ALL the cobbles on my own.
SPARTINA: The whole street, eh?
ADERYN: Yes! One of them hit me square on the jaw and I fell into a fishmonger’s stall and fish went everywhere, all over the customers and the street and the fishmonger was really angry and the..cobbles ran away and the fishmonger threatened to call the constables so I ran away too. But then my nose hurt a lot so I asked one of the dockworkers to point me to the [Sawbones’ Surgery and…]
SPARTINA:(interrupting) I think I have a clear enough picture of what happened. Shall we have a look at you then?
ADERYN: Please. My face hurts.
SPARTINA: (chuckles – he inspects Aderyn’s face) Hmm. Could you move your jaw for me? Thank you. And if I press here does it [hur…]
ADERYN: Ouch!
SPARTINA: That will be a yes, then. So… your jaw seems to only be bruised, but I’m afraid your nose is either broken or dislocated, and I will need to set it. This will hurt. Here is a stick, bite down on it.
ADERYN: (talking through the stick) Make it quick please.
SPARTINA: I’m sorry?
ADERYN: (takes the stick out) Make it quick please. (puts it back in)
SPARTINA: Do not worry, I have done this many times before. (taking hold of the bridge of Aderyn’s nose) There will likely be another fight this evening as the pubs kick out, so I imagine yours will not be the only nose I realign today, though admittedly this is unusually early in the day to be doing it. Now, brace yourself, on three. One…. two…. three (effort as he clicks their nose back into place)
[BONE CRUNCHING]
ADERYN: OWWWWW. (whimpers)
SPARTINA: There now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?
ADERYN: (removes stick, quieter) Owwww.
SPARTINA: Believe me, the long-term complications of leaving it like that would be far worse. Breathing problems, [perforations, infections….]
ADERYN: (interrupting) Please don’t go on. Can I go now?
SPARTINA: Shortly yes, but I would like you to remain a little while in case of complications. Are you expected back at the Scrimchantry?
ADERYN: This is our day off when we can go into the town so I won’t be missed right away but yes eventually. I really don’t want to get in trouble with the Principal Adept again.
SPARTINA: Fifteen minutes or so will be fine. Please take a seat in the chair over there and I’ll make you a decoction of willowbark for the pain.
ADERYN: It’s not so bad now, I (they become dizzy) oooh…my head’s gone all swirly.
SPARTINA: In the chair please and if you feel faint, I recommend lying down on that couch over there.
[SITTING IN CREAKY CHAIR]
SPARTINA: Now, where is that kettle…
[HEAVIER KNOCK ON DOOR]
SPARTINA: Busy morning, it seems. Come in!
PERCIVALE: (calling, nervous) Hello, er, I may need a bit of help. I can’t see very clearly.
SPARTINA: One moment.
[OPENING DOOR]
SPARTINA:(to the audience) The gentleman on the other side of my door, was exceedingly neatly dressed. Every item of clothing was starched and pressed to within an inch of its life. This was in dramatic contrast to the very strong smell of fish which was emanating from him. His left eye was swollen and he was blinking repeatedly.
SPARTINA: Oh dear.
PERCIVALE: (dismayed) Oh no! I knew it, I’m going to die, aren’t I?!
SPARTINA: Difficult to ascertain just by looking at you, but you do smell quite strongly of fish. Tell me, were you recently in the marketplace?
PERCIVALE: Good heavens yes, I was, how on earth did you know?
SPARTINA: Lucky guess. Come in. Name?
PERCIVALE: Percivale Railworth.
SPARTINA: Oh.. station worker?
PERCIVALE: (affronted) I am the Stationmaster.
SPARTINA: Forgive me, of course. (lying smoothly) Now that I think about it, I recognise you from the station. Which is always very well run, I might add. Spick and span.
SPARTINA:(to the audience) I’m sorry to say this was a lie. I very rarely pay attention to the staff at the railway station and they do not usually come to me with injuries. Railway-related mishaps usually involve being hit by a large mass of fast-moving metal and there is very little I can do to help in those cases. Perhaps I should pay more attention… The station is always scrupulously clean, though, in that part I was not being disingenuous.
PERCIVALE: (pleased) Yes, well, one does one’s best. (hurriedly) As do all of the staff, of course.
SPARTINA: Of course. Now, what has happened to your eye, it seems quite swollen?
PERCIVALE: Hake.
SPARTINA: The fish?
PERCIVALE: Yes. Airborne.
SPARTINA: I believe I am starting to piece this together. Was there by any chance an upset fish stall? A flying piscine projectile perhaps?
PERCIVALE: Exactly! I was buying some juicy cuts of meat for my dear little Mr Ruffles, when some youths began roughhousing. Absolutely unacceptable, why if I had behaved so, my dear mother would have been horrified, let me tell you. The youth these days!
ADERYN: (muttering) They started it.
SPARTINA: (interrupting) So the fish hit you in the eye?
PERCIVALE: Yes. My unbloodied left eye. It is extremely itchy. (Lou note: We accidentally forgot which eye it was in the script and put the makeup on the wrong side. Vic realised this and decided to make a little joke).
SPARTINA: Would you mind if I inspect the surface of the eye for damage?
PERCIVALE: Oh yes, of course, please carry on.
SPARTINA: (inspecting) Hmm… ah. Have you been rubbing this?
PERCIVALE: Of course, I was trying to get the fishyness off.
SPARTINA: There is something lodged below your eyelid, near the tear duct. It is transparent, so I suspect it may be a scale or a fin, and it is causing the irritation and inflammation.
PERCIVALE: (overreacting) Inflammation! Is it going to infect me? I’m going to get that awful disease the refuse workers get, aren’t I? Eel Rot or something??
ADERYN: Ooh, I heard about someone who got that. They went all manky.
SPARTINA: I can assure you Mr Railworth, there is no such disease as “Hake Rot”. You have a piece of a perfectly ordinary fish lodged behind your eyelid. I will remove it and then thoroughly lavage the eye with boiled saline and I imagine the worst you may suffer is a case of mild pink-eye.
PERCIVALE: Is… Is that… deadly?
SPARTINA: (sighs) Not in my experience. And Novice Tanner, if you intend to offer your medical opinion, then I shall enlist you as my assistant. Pass me that roll of tools over there.
ADERYN: Sorry, Sawbones.. Here you are..
[CLINK OF TOOL ROLL]
SPARTINA: Now Mr Railworth, if you would look up towards the window for me, I am going to remove the object, and please try to avoid the tweezers.
PERCIVALE: Please do be careful! My Mr Ruffles will be left without a soul in the world!
SPARTINA: I am always careful. Hold still please. Hmm….There we are…(he grabs the scale with the tweezers) Got it.
[CORK BOTTLE POPPING OPEN, POURING]
SPARTINA: Now the lavage. (he washes the eye) There we are. Your symptoms should resolve quickly, but please do come back if there is any further reddening of the area, or any pus or discharge.
PERCIVALE: (worried) What would that indicate?
SPARTINA: (reassuring) A minor infection.
PERCIVALE: Oh…
SPARTINA: And Novice Tanner, you also seem to be fine so I believe I can discharge you as well, with the following advice – please avoid blowing or poking at your nose until it heals or doing anything that will cause it to be injured again. If any cobbles, flagstones, bricks, gravel, or any other building material expresses an opinion about your mother’s knitting, I recommend simply walking away. Now, don’t let me detain either of you any further, no doubt you have, respectively, classes and trains to attend to…
PERCIVALE: (who can now see more clearly) I say, you do look familiar, youth…
ADERYN: Er… yes that happens a lot, we all look the same in the robes. Thanks Sawbones! Seeya!
[PATTERING FEET AS THEY FLEE]
PERCIVALE: Right… well, thank you and good day to you.
[SLOWER FEET LEAVING]
[PAUSE]
[SPARTINA BURSTS OUT LAUGHING, RELEASING ALL THE PENT UP AMUSEMENT HE’S BEEN HOLDING IN ALL THIS TIME]
[THEME TUNE]
LOU: Eeler’s Choice: Morning in the Eskmouth Sawbones Surgery was brought to you by Interiority as Spartina Sawbones, Leanne Egan as Aderyn Tanner, Vic Collins as Percivale Railworth. Our Sound Technician was Holly Sandford and your Showrunner/Writer was Lou Sutcliffe. Thank you for listening and thank you as well to the organisers of this wonderful event for giving us this space to perform in.
And.. we would like to send a shout out to all the wonderful people involved in the podcast who couldn’t be here today, some of whom are watching on the livestream, hello – my co-showrunner Daisy McNamara, the cast, the Anguilliform chorus, editors, artist, consultants, and all the eel enthusiasts out there who have supported the show. Thank you!
[APPLAUSE]
END
CYTOCHROME HEAR 